I'm in a 'funk'
The weekend was great. Scotts girlfriend was here so there was plenty of fun to be had. We went out to dinner on Friday night, just the 3 of us. Then on Saturday night we met Rebeka and Aaron for some dinner and last night was more of a repeat of Saturday. I got lots of laundry/cleaning done, and I even found the time to wash and wax my car.
I got home last night around 9, showered, did more laundry and crashed out by 10:30. I woke up this morning on time, but I feel like I'm in a 'funk'. I'm just in one of those moods. I don't want to talk to anybody and all I want to do is sleep. I don't get it. I have an idea that I may feel like this because I'm due to get my period, but why? I can't explain it, it is just the wierdest feeling ever.
I don't have any plans this week, which will be nice! I almost wish school wasn't out because I'm ready to go back. Granted, I did go this summer- but I'm on the break between fall and summer right now- and bordem is taking over! I won't be saying that this fall, I will be swamped with plenty of school work.
I'm going to make it my goal to walk everynight this week. At least 1 mile, if not 2. Weight Watchers wants us to get 6- 8oz. glasses of water in a day. So far, I have 2 down, only 4 more to go. I'm not a huge fan of water, but I forced myself to drink 16 oz. on the way to work this morning.
I honestly don't have much to blog about today. I'm going to catch up on my blog reading this afternoon and comment.
Have a good one,
A
A continuation.....
After reading the comment left by
SoGone of my post
earlier today, I have decided that I need to "go deeper".
So gone had some very good points:
I wouldn't say you are stupid, but I'm not sure it was the smartest thing you could have done. What you really need to be asking yourself is - has anything changed in the past few months? Have the things you complained about, and left the relationship about, changed at all? I mean, you just wrote not too long ago about him doing drugs and all. Is that all glazed over now because you had one fun night together? Just remember that there were plenty of reasons you left the relationship, and if they haven't changed or improved - why would you want to get back into it knowing you are fine without him?Just be careful, hun.After I read her comment, I sat here thinking about all these questions she brought up. I'm prepared to answer them "out loud".
1) Has anything changed in the past few months?He's become more "attentive". I have done a
wonderful job of acting like this whole "lets be friends" plan was simply OK with me. I think a little bit of his concern is that he never thought I would 'let him get away'. I had a conversation about this with my Mom on the way to work today. (We are close, so we do talk about these things). She said that she thinks he is afraid that I'm veering, that I have in all reality let go of what I had for him, and that I am prepared to move on. Since our break up, I've lost 20 lbs. and I'm focusing on me more- I can assure you, none of that will change anytime soon.
2)Have the things you complained about, and left the relationship about, changed at all? I don't know the answer to this question yet. Last night he was the guy I started dating way back in 2000. He was the attentive, happy to lay around and watch a movie just because guy- and that's what I love about him. I think it's to early to 'examine' this question yet.
3) I mean, you just wrote not too long ago about him doing drugs and all. Is that all glazed over now because you had one fun night together?No, my fear of him using drugs has not glazed over. I still believe he is using, but I can't just walk away and let it go. I have to face it if I want this to work. However, I can't push him to do something he doesn't want to do. I've asked him time and time again if he is using. I have no doubt he is lying to me about it, but it's a senseless fight I am tired of fighting. I have lived my whole life watching my uncle be a drug abuser, I know the signs and the consequences, and the damage to personal relationships. I'm fighting a loosing battle if I keep hassling him about it. As long as it's not personally effecting me, I feel like I don't have to worry. Make sense?
4)Just remember that there were plenty of reasons you left the relationship, and if they haven't changed or improved - why would you want to get back into it knowing you are fine without him?I can't say I honestly 'got out of it'. I ignored it for 4 months, I haven't kissed or hugged him for 4 months, but I never lost that 'ache' in my heart for him. We have 6 years invested, and I know that at some point in time- I may have to 'throw in the towel'- and now might be that time. I'm not in a hurry to get married, to have kids, etc. I have 4 more years until I finish my Masters and I want to do my Ph.D. before I move on to the next phase in my life. Alienating him and being lonely all the time is no way to be, so why not keep him around? Sure, if 'Mr. Wonderful' comes by and literally sweeps me off my feet, I might walk away- but as long as he's willing to work on it and I see he is trying, why not?
Wow, this is the most I've posted in a long time. I guess you could say I am going through mixed emotions right now. I don't know if I still have that 'spark' for him, and the thought of loosing that scares the crap out of me. I have always had the idea that things happen for a reason, and no matter what that reason- I'm along for the ride. I don't want to get emotionally spent on the situation with him, and I don't want to get depressed, so I'm just going to 'chill', wait it out and not pursue anything. I just want to wait and see what happens. You know what I mean?
Yeah, I'm Stupid....
I will admit it. I'm stupid- you will think the same thing when you get done reading this post.
So, I hadn't talked to Michael since last Friday. We had decided I would be at his house after Weight Watchers last night, which would probably be around 6:15.
I got there right at 6:15 and he was napping. I woke him up and told him to get ready. He hopped in the shower. We decided not to drive the 1/2 hour to meet Rebeka and Aaron but rather go eat near my house and rent a movie. He was tired from a long day at work, and I wasn't really up to the drive either. We we're on the road by 7.
We decided to eat at this nice steakhouse. He was real quiet all the way to the restaurant and most of the way through dinner. We had great conversation and never approached the subject of "us". I was actually impressed because he usually will do something or say something and the subject will come up.
Anyway, we left the restaurant and headed to rent the movie. We rented "She's the Man"- which is a great movie. As soon as we got to the house he headed straight for the bedroom. He said he didn't like the couch and would prefer it if we could watch it in there. I was hesitant at first, but finally decided to. We laid in the bed- him under the covers and me on top and watched the movie. At some parts during the movie, he would bop me on the head with the pillow, or run his foot up my leg- but I just ignored him. I wasn't mean or anything- I just acted like I didn't notice. Well- this seemed to egg him on more. The last time he went to hit me with the pillow, the movie was just finishing up and I reached back like I was going to pinch his arm and he grabbed my boob. I gave him "the look" and he kissed me. Yuppp, I'm stupid. That is when I should have stopped it right there, but I didn't.
An hour later we we're on our way back to his house. He actually dropped me off at my parents house so I could ride to work with my Mom and he drove my car home so he could take it to have it serviced today. (Its due)
Now, before I have a pit party for myself- I made him talk before anything happened. I reminded him that he is the one that said he thought friends was better, I also reminded him that I would not be a 'booty call'. Who knows if it will work, but I can honestly say that I don't care if he calls me for 2 months. We've been split for almost 4 months and the boy hasn't gone out with another girl, or so much as kissed another girl. Now, I've gone out with other guys- but I haven't gone any further then the dinner date. We're still on neutral ground. I definitely don't want to jump back into this by any means, but right now I am content. I never would have thought in a million years that last night would end the way it did- but I'm not complaining. I have to admit- I'm a bit disappointed in myself.
No big plans for this weekend. This is the first weekend in a month that I don't have plans that are going to pull me away from the house in the early hours of the morning. I am actually going to get to sleep in tomorrow morning, and I plan on taking full advantage of it!
Saturday afternoon we're (Me, Scott, Karrie, and possibly Sean) are grilling out with Beka and Aaron. And Sunday is going to be a lazy day!
Have a great Friday!
Ash
Yippee!
I'm so glad tomorrow is Friday and today is almost over!
I got a lot done around the house yesterday. Two whole loads of laundry washed and dried. I have to fold tonight and I will be all caught up. I even cleaned out the fridge, cooked dinner, and took out the trash. Thats impressive for a Wednesday night at my house. I was even in bed by 8 pm!
Today has been a slow boring day at work. I have Weight Watchers tonight, then Michael and I are supposed to go eat. We're meeting Rebeka and Aaron (a girl I work with and her husband). He doesn't know yet, but I will be sure to tell him once we're 1/2 way there.
Wish me luck on the scales tonight!
Ash
Completely Frazzled....
My post title completely explains my day today.
I was on time for everything, which is great. I'm usually a few minutes late for lunch because the smoking crowd never seems to mind that I have a real boss with real expectations. Off that soapbox....
I wore jeans today so I could clean out a spare office we have. I made a little progress in there, which makes me feel better. I hate clutter.
We had a meeting today about Ozone effects. Apparently this giant metropolis is worried about the effects of air pollution. I won a $25 gas card because I fill out a monthly survey. Y'ay! They are trying to figure out who carpools, rides the bus, drives themselves, etc. It's really a neat initiative. They had ice cream sundaes, but I steered clear of them. I'm sticking to those points.
We have had more 'dumb' (for lack of a better term) people call here today and ask questions that have absolutely nothing to do with this department. Drives me crazy!
After my meeting this afternoon, I come back to my desk and check on the tuition due day for one of the schools I'm going to next semester (I'm go to 2, one doesn't offer the science I need)- and I find out it is due TODAY! Needless to say, Mommy to the rescue. They always pay my tuition, I was just afraid they weren't prepared to do it today. Glad I got that out of the way.
Last night after work I went to my parents house and painted their entire living room. They were painting the ceiling, but since I'm short I got stuck with the walls. I got home around 9 and crashed out. When I got up this morning I realized I had absolutely no clean clothes. I haven't had time to catch up with the laundry since I've been at the beach. I dug into a Rubbermaid container that has clothes I
used to be to fat for and viola! I found jeans, and dress pants that fit. Y'ay for me!
Well, I'm off to finish more stuff for work. Only an hour and a 1/2 to go!!!
~Ash
Bloggers Block?
I really have nothing of substance to write about.
This weekend was great. The wedding on the beach was beautiful, and the weather could not have been better. Mom and I had a great time, and I do think a girls weekend should be in order more often!
No big plans this week. Tonight I'm helping my parents paint their living room, then I have to go home and wash some clothes. Ugh! I hate chores.
The good news is that I'm wearing pants today that are 2 sizes smaller then I normally wear- yes, I've been walking around with a smile all day.
I'm enjoying my 'summer' break from school- but it seems like I'm bored now. It won't be for long- school goes back August 15th.
I'm trying to decide where I want to go on vacation. I'm planning on taking 3 or 4 days off, but I still haven't decided where I will go and what I will do. I might just take a day or 2 and sit around the house. At least I will get a break. I'm tired of going to the beach. I could drive to PA to visit family, but thats not really fun.
I'll think of something. Hope everyone has a great Monday!
~Ash
Total Grab Bag
Like the title? That is just what this post is going to be.....a total grab bag.
First, I have to ask everyone to pray for a friend of mine. Ryan's father was working at a cell tower around 1 yesterday morning and someone called the police because they thought it was suspicious. Wayne (Ryan's dad) is a
very nice man, who would do anything for anybody. According to the officer, when he entered the area where Wayne was working, Wayne drew a gun on him and walked towards him and refused to put the gun down. The officer shot at him 3 times, and killed him. The thing I don't understand is, why the officer was not in uniform? Wayne was the nicest, most caring man you would ever meet. He raised Emily (18) and Ryan (20) by himself. Now, they are without a father. Please pray for this family. I also pray that the truth comes out, I don't believe that Wayne would not obey the officer orders.
Ok, on to more Michael crap.
As far as I know, his parents haven't talked to him. I was there on Tuesday night and he was off with his friends (the pot heads). His dad and I talked about it for a while. He asked me what I thought and I was very frank with him. They planned on talking to him on Wednesday afternoon when he got home from work, but they didn't because Stephanie was home. As far as I know, they still have not talked to him. It frustrates me. They have the evidence. When I talked to his Mom it sounded like his dad took it and has it, it makes me wonder if Michael has even noticed. I'm just very frustrated by the entire situation. Michael was at Ryan's house last night- as Michael and I both used to work with him and know his family fairly well. I hope they talk to him soon, I don't feel like its my place.
Michael and I do have tentative plans to go to dinner next Thursday night. I'm hoping I will have to opportunity to introduce him to Rebeka and Aaron. Since we're friends now, I think he should meet my newest set of friends. :-) He's not to keen on meeting new people, and he's very shy. We will see how that works out......
Mom and I are going to the beach this weekend for a wedding. I'm excited! I need a little vacation, and this is the perfect time! We're leaving tomorrow morning around 11 am, and we will be coming back on Sunday morning. We're only 3 1/2 hours from the beach, so it shouldn't be to bad.
I'm going to stay home tonight and attempt to get all my laundry finished. I won't get home until mid-afternoon on Sunday and I'm sure I won't be up to any chores! Tonight is the only hope I have in getting them done!
Well, I'm here at work hoping today goes by much quicker then any other day this week.
~Ash
P.S.- I lost .8 this week.
Is no news good news?
I haven't heard anything. I guess I should just hope that no news is good news.
He called me last night, we talked for an hour- about nothing. It was nice.
I'm supposed to pick Stephanie up on my way home tonight, she's going to cut my moms hair. Hopefuly if anything is going on- it will be settled by the time I get there.
His dad told me last night that they were going to confront him about it this afternoon. They wanted to do it when nobody was home. (Sean or Steph)
I will definately post a much longer update tomorrow.
Ash
Crazy Day....Crazy Life
UGH! I've had a good morning, but a CRAZY afternoon!
First, this morning. I went to bed
way early last night (like 8 pm). I slept like a rock until the alarm went of this morning- and I felt great! I got to work on time and finished my online class before lunch. Y'ay!
I got back from lunch on time. *Pat on the back Ashley*
I called the college I attend to find out how much money they will be getting out of Mom and Dad for tuition as I have not received my tuition bill yet. Well, when I called they told me a lot less then I had originally thought. I checked and I was only registed for 3 classes. Oops! I had to go online and register for a science class at another community college and I forgot to do it. It took me an hour to find one that would transfer and would fit into my schedule. Its done though and I'm all ready for the fall semester. I'm taking 3 online classes and 1 on Monday and Wednesday nights from 6 - 9 pm. UGH! I hate night classes. The good new is that after this semester I only have 2 more sciences and 1 more elective until I graduate!!!! Wooo Hooo!
On to the Michael Saga.....his parents found his stash. Yes- you read that right. I'm literally shaking right now. I hate it for him, but hopefuly good will come out of it. I just hope they all keep me out of it. His parents want to talk to me and get some details....like how long do I think he's been using, etc. His sister just called me at work and told me that wanted me to come by. I told her I wouldn't come by the house because I don't want to be involved in it at all. I guess his mom is going to call me later tonight. I'm worried about him, I hope he recognizes he has a problem and accepts help. Prayer, lots of prayer.
Well, I'm here until 3:45, then running to the doctor.
I'll definately update later tonight if I have anything good to report.
Pray Y'all
Ashley
Gone Like a Freight Train
Where did the weekend go? I wish the week would go by as fast, then it wouldn't be so bad!
Sunday was a nice day around here, but a bit hot. We (Me, Mom, Dad, and Scott) went to a tractor/truck pull that was local. It was nice because I got some much needed sun, but it was scorching hot too.
I'm happy to report that the weekend was quite productive for me. I have absolutely no middle of the week chores to get done, and as of tomorrow night this time I will be officially finished with my summer course! Yippee!
I'll be out of school for a couple weeks, then its back to school for the Fall. Boo!
Work was nice and easy today. I didn't have a darn thing to do, so I redesigned my MySpace- if you want the address let me know. I need to figure out how to design blogger templates like I can do MySpace, I'm getting there....
My boss will probably be out of the office tomorrow, so it will make for a nice quiet day. I'm dressing down and cleaning up. I've got filing cabinets to re-organize and trash to throw out. I plan on getting lots done with a quiet office tomorrow.
This week is going to be real quiet at home too. I don't walk on Monday nights because I'm always to tired, so I will walk Tuesday and Wednesday night, then it's Weight Watchers on Thursday, packing for the beach on Friday and on Saturday we're going to the beach, and returning on Sunday. The rest of this week will pretty much fly by for me.
I'm going to try to hit the bed a bit early tonight because I didn't sleep good last night.
Have a good one!
Ash
Lazy Weekends ROCK!
I love weekends where you can do as you please and you don't have anyplace to be. They're the best.
I was home cleaning all morning, then I went to Mom and Dads and rode with them to the Home Improvement store to buy some tiles for the new kitchen floor. It is a scorching 96 degrees out there and it keeps getting hotter. I ran my car thru the car wash- and came straight home.
My Clean Car!
I've got 3 loads of laundry finished, washed and waxed the floors in the whole house, dished washed and put up, bathroom spotless, kitchen floor mopped. House is spic-n-span.
We had a great time last night at Dave and Busters. It's a pretty neat place with good food and lots of different games. We didn't get home until 2 this morning, I was beat.
No big plans for tonight. Me, Sean, Beka, Aaron and 2 other friends might go watch Pirates of the Caribbean 2- but we're not going until 8 or 9 so I'm not sure yet.
I'm off to fold some clothes and put the sheets back on the bed.
Hope your weekend is cooler then mine!
Ash
I Survived!
Morining Y'all-
Like my post title? I couldn't think of anything better.
Heres the rundown on last night.....
To my suprise, he (Michael) never called to cancel on Wednesday night. On the way home from work last night I thought I should call him to tell him I was going to be late, but my Mom said not to worry about it because it would only be a couple minutes. I agreed and as we were riding and talking- my cell phone rings. It's him.
I just knew he was going to find an excuse not to go. He said he hadn't even left work yet, then he had to go home and work on the yard before it got to late. He said he would call me when he got done.
I was aggrivated, but I didn't let it show. I told him that I had weight watchers and I would just come over and wait on him. I didn't want to drive all the way home, then all the way back. The price of gas is high enough, I didn't want to make any extra trips.
So, instead of weighing and leaving- I stayed for the whole meeting.
I lost 2.8!I left the meeting and drove straight to his house. When I pulled up in the driveway her was weedeating. Suprise! I figured he just didn't want to go and he had lied. (I give him no credit).
I walked in the house and his mom was fixing dinner, she said "I would offer you some, but Michael tells me that the 2 of you are going out for dinner." I let it go at that, changed my clothes and parked my butt on the couch. He was in the house and in the shower in 20 minutes and we we're out the door soon after.
We went to a Mexican restaurant up here by my house, then to a new store they opened to walk around, and then to the movie store to rent
Date Movie. (Which was a very dumb movie.)
I have to admit it was strange being around him, but at the same time we had lots of fun. He picked around with me, and even drove my car when it was time to take him home. (He will rarely ever drive, I feel lucky.)
Anyway, all in all- we had a great time and I can't complain. I don't know if its something I would want to do very often- but now that the "friendship" is out there- it seems like this will be much easier.
I got paid today. Yippee! But- I also have bills to pay. BOOOO!
I'm off- vacation day. Tons of errands to run. I'm up to early- its my body- you can't turn that alarm off. Ha ha.
I have big plans for the day, so I will get started early.
- Laundry
- Scrub and shine the hardwood floors
- Dishes
- Grocery Shopping
- Banking
- Pay Bills
- Go to courthouse to pay vehicle taxes *DAMN things*
We're all going out tonight (Beka, Aaron, LB, Jay, Me, Sean) to
Dave and Buster to shoot some pool and have dinner. It should be a fun night. I'm excited!
I'm going to go get Stephanie later tonight so she can spend the day with me, apparently summer vacation for her his boring- who knew!?
Well, I'm off to start my laundry and pay some bills.
Have a great weekend!
Ashley
I'm stressing
I do this to myself all the time. I end up stressing myself out and having a huge headache.
I had the hardest time falling asleep last night. I came home from work, ate some yogurt, and walked a mile. I watched some tv while I waited for the washer to finish. I had to wash some clothes so I had something to wear today. :-)
I showered and was in bed by 8:30. I tossed and turned for an hour and a half. The last time I remember looking at the clock it was 10 pm. Could have been because Sean called and the phone was vibrating all over the place. I didn't answer. I hopped out of bed and took a Tylonel PM. Big.Mistake.
I had the hardest time getting out of bed this morning. Apparently the Tylonel didn't have time to wear off. I drug myself into the bathroom, hung over to tub to wash my hair, and laid on the couch and brushed my teeth. It was bad.
I was about to walk out the door when I realized I was way to early. I had another 15 minutes to spare. I watched a little news before walking out the door. I was right on time meeting my mom and our other carpool buddy.
I'm here at work, trying to keep my face off my desk. I just walked to get my morning Diet Coke. Hopefully the caffeine will give me the burst of energy I need. Ha ha.
My day isn't going to slow down at all, my boss is supposed to be here in an hour. We're leaving work right at 5, and going to Weight Watchers at 6. I'm just weighing and running. I told Michael I would be at his house at 6, so I'm going to be about 20 minutes late. Oops.
Yes, we're still on for dinner. No phone call canceling last night, and on Sunday he said he would call on Wednesday if the plans changed. So far, so good.
Well, I'm off to work on my final unit for my online class.
~Ash
I'm here
OK, so I took a one day blogging hiatus. I was in a bit of an e-mail argument with Pam yesterday over something stupid Beth did. Needless to say, Beth's a goner- can't have friends that stab me in the back. She got me once before and I forgave her- but this is the last straw.
I'd go into the details, but unless you know me personally it doesn't mean anything to you. It's so complicated and stupid. High School Drama Bullshit!
Anyway- needless to say, yesterday was a long boring day. I have lots of work to do today, and my boss is out of the office for a meeting, yippee! I've redone the bulletin board this morning, and that's it. I just finished updating my MySpace right before lunch. I'm not being very productive.
I have to re-do my files to get ready for the next fiscal year that began on July 1st. I've been putting it off, but now its time to get organized.
I also have to finish my online class by next Tuesday. I'm hoping to get 2 more chapters done before Friday and finish the rest on Monday. Y'ay!
I can't wait until this week is over. Hopefully Weight Watchers tomorrow night brings good news.
I'm still on for dinner with Michael on Thursday night, unless he calls and cancels tonight.
Happy Hump Day!
Ash
Oh, the stupid things I do
Here it is, uncensored.
Last night I picked Stephanie (Michaels sister) up from work. We were getting out of the car in the driveway and it was about 10 pm. Michael comes pulling in on his bike. He drove right past me, went in the house- asked his mom to move her car so he could get his bike in the garage, and didn't say a word. Mind you, my car was parked behind hers- so my car had to be moved too. I just walked back out there when I realized what he was doing- and moved my car. Now, at this point in time a logically thinking person would leave because her work (i.e. picking Steph up from work) is done. But I didn't....
Steph and I were sitting on the couch in the living room watching TV and talking about men. She's having boy troubles and was asking me what I thought of this and that. Michael walked in and out of the living room 10 times while we were having a conversation. Our conversation turned to one of Duncan's brothers and Stephanie made a comment that Michael would know the answer. I called his name since he was only on the other side of the wall in the kitchen and when he didn't immediately answer me I went back into conversation with Stephanie. An hour went by and he goes walking by the couch in the living room and says 'What did you want?' and I said 'Oh, nothing.' (Steph decided she didn't want me to be nosey and find out for her. Long Story.) Anyway, he was like 'Well, tell me'. I told him
(this is where I should have inserted foot in mouth) 'I'll walk back there in a minute and talk to you, leave the door unlocked. K?' He said 'I don't know.' and walked off. I waited a while before I walked back the hall to his bedroom, I almost just left- but I did say I would come talk. I assumed he would have the door locked and I refuse to knock. There is no point in locking the door if your expecting someone to come in anyway. Anyway, against my better judgment- I walked back the hall and open the door. It was unlocked.
*
I think to myself that by him leaving the door unlocked, means he wants to talk to me, right?*
I go in and sit down on the bed. He was laying there smoking a cigarette and I was flipping the pages in a magazine. We talked about me wanting to move closer to my parents, work, etc. We talked about his truck, Vette, and his bike. We talked about my brother getting married, people growing up, then we approached the subject of drugs. The conversation went something like this...
Me: So, I hear your hanging out with Greg a lot lately.
Him: Well, Clinton and them are boring and old. They don't like to party or hang out during the week.
Me: I didn't say anything about Clinton. I said, I heard you were hanging out with Greg.
Him: Yeah, you act like that's bad.
Me: Well, Greg quite a pot head
. I will keep it short, that's the summarized version. We talked about this for an hour, and I don't want to go into tons of details- but I believe everything he said. I almost think that some of the stuff Sean told me last weekend was to piss me off. My mom seems to think that Sean fabricates lies to get me mad at Michael. He knows what I think of drugs, and he tried. I have to give him credit, it worked until I asked Michael and he brought up some interesting points. When it comes down to it, he cares and he will still talk to me- he isn't afraid.
Around 11:30 we left his house to go ride by an apartment that was nearby. I'm thinking of calling tonight and finding out what they want for it, I may have a new place to live! :-) Much closer to the family would be good for me, where I live now is like 20 miles from everyone so I do a lot of running. Anyway, rode by 3 or 4 different apartments and ended up back at his house in 45 minutes. I pulled up in the driveway and put my park lights on. I assumed he would just jump out of the car and say bye, but he sat there and we talked for another hour and a half. I didn't get back to bed until 2 this morning. We have plans to go eat at our favorite Mexican restaurant on Thursday, we'll see how this pans out. It's just a friends thing, and that's all.
He can be hard to read, because sometimes he acts flirty and other times he acts friendly and that's all. Sometimes when hes acting flirty he will grab my hand and try to play mercy, or slap me in the leg when we're talking or something like that. I don't recall him doing any of that last night. Then, sometimes when he's flirting he will get all shy acting and be sarcastic with me- that's what he was doing last night.
I said something about being a friend, or something like that last night and he insinuated that he didn't consider me a friend. It sort of hurt my feeling at first, and then realized that maybe he wasn't trying to say I wasn't a friend, maybe he was trying to say I was something more. I let it go, then we we're sitting in the driveway before he got out of the car and I said 'So, if I'm not a friend what am I?' and he said 'I don't know. What do you want to be?'. I politely answered, 'I don't know, but I think I should be your friend.' What was he trying to do?
Us hanging out last night could all be part of the 'lets be friends' thing that we agreed on way back on April 25th (yes I know the exact date), but it seems like its not for some reason. I don't want him back per say. I want to hang out with him, but I'm afraid I still have to many feeling for him that are going to prevent us from being 'friends'. I don't want to mess it up, but I also don't want my feelings hurt. I know him though, and he may not even want to hang out on Thursday night after all.
I've made a vow to myself not to tell anybody about hanging out with him last night, or anything we talked about. I told Pam that he rode with me to look at apartments, but that's it. My mom knows that I was out late with him last night, I believe its the black rings under my eyes that give it away. Shes good though, she won't judge or say a thing.
I'm so glad I have this blog. Sorry its such a long post. In some ways I feel like I've let myself down by taking a 'little bit' of my guard down last night. I'm afraid I put myself out there by deciding to go to dinner with him on Thursday night, and if he calls and cancels- I'm afraid I will be disappointed. I'm going to try my best either way it goes. If we do go out, I want it to be a purely platonic friends thing, and if we don't and he cancels, I don't want to feel let down.
I won't put my self back into a miserable situation. Last night when I went to bed I was so confused I could scream, then I reminded my self that I've come this far, and I won't go back.
Sorry for the long post. I hope it all makes sense. If I recall,
SoGone went through something similar to this not to long ago with her ex.
Its sucks girls,
Ash
Same Old Same Old
Thanks for the comments
Beth and
SoGone. Sometimes its nice to have a little positive reinforcement! If you haven't read my
'Irreconcilable Differences' post yet, please do- and comment!
This weekend is actually going to be decent. Last night I went out with Sean and another one of his friends. It was really low key, we rented a movie and ate Wendy's drive thru food on the couch in my living room. We watched a great movie about a man setting a land speed record on an Indian motorcycle, I can't remember the title- but it was really good.
I stayed at my Mom's last night becasue by the time I got back to Seans house it was 12:30 in the morning and I had an appointment by her house to get my eyebrows waxed.
I was up bright and early, ran to the stylist to get my brows done and back to my parents to was my car. I've already got quite a bit accomplished.
I'm home now. I don't know what I'm going to do. A nap sounds enticing right about now. After seeing Duncan last week and him telling me to call him sometime, I kinda want to call and see what he's doing- but I think I will give it a couple more weeks, don't want to sound to eager. LOL
I'm almost positive I'm going out with Pam, Corey and another couple tonight. We're going to do the dinner and shopping thing. It should be fun. We always have a good time when the 5 of us hang out.
I have a little chore list that I want to get done this afternoon, then I might nap. :-)
Have a great weekend!
Ash
Irreconcilable Differences
When people get married they are in love. There are those times when marriage ends in divorce, and the reason for divorce is stated 'irreconcilable differences' more often then not. I've always wondered why people marry who they believe is their soul mate, but then divorce them because they are irreconcilably different? How does that happen? I believe I have your answer.
Way back when mine and Michaels relationship started, we couldn't be more alike. We were both still a bit immature, we we're in high school, holding down part time jobs, and had just purchased our first cars. We were beginning to step out on our own. After his graduation in 03' he was supposed to go to college, he was all signed up and ready to go- then at the last minute he dropped out. We had worked at the same restaurant for some time, him a cook and me a waiter. I left the job for a better one in the beginning of his senior year, and he abruptly quit the weekend after graduation- and not for a better job. Since graduation from high school he has had about 5 or 6 different jobs, no one better then the other.
When I graduated in 04', I had already completed a semester in college as I was dual enrolled in high school and college my second semester, I was holding down a job at a prominent race team in the NASCAR Busch Series, as well as working at a local grocery store part time. I landed the full time job I have now in October of 04', and I've been working my ass off and going to college ever since.
In December of 05, Michael quit a good job nearby to take the same position for a dollar more an hour about 25 miles from here. I tried to tell him that the extra dollar every hour was worth the 50 plus miles a day he was having to drive. In January, he realized I was right and came back to his previous job. He decided to start college this summer, but has yet to complete a full week without missing a day. (I know these things. I only go to his house to visit his family when he's supposed to be in school and he's always there).
We both started a diet around the same time. I'm doing Weight Watchers and as of tonight I've lost 15.8 lbs. He claims hes lost a about 18 lbs. but unlike me, is not willing to step on a scale to prove it, his clothes are are still the same size, and I don't believe Pizza is on the plan. He's failing at something yet again.
Now it's the drugs thing. I don't smoke cigarettes and I've never touched a drug in my life. I never will. I don't let the people I hang out with impress their behaviors upon me, and you can bet your ass if they're doing drugs they certainly wouldn't be doing it in my house.
This fall I will be enrolled school full time as well as working full time. If history repeats itself, Michael will have dropped out of college and still be changing oil for $9 an hour.
This my friends, is how people grow apart and have 'Irreconcilable Differences'.
We we're great for one another in the beginning, motivated, outgoing, loving, energetic, etc. But now, we're opposites.
I'm glad I've realized the path I'm following is the one that will lead me to a better tomorrow. I just wonder when he is going to realize his path is destructive.
Ugh.
Ok, so I'm not going into a lot of detail because I'm tired and it's really late. Remember this post
'I've got some explainin' to do'? This is the post where I mention that I'm worried Michael is on drugs.
My worst fear is true. I heard it from 3 people tonight in the same group that 2 of him saw him do it last weekend, and one of him did it with him a while back. Thats all for now. I just want to curl up in bed and cry. I feel like I shouldn't care because we're not together anymore, but DAMN. The boy had my heart for 6 years, what do I do? I can't stop caring about him overnight, and this makes it harder.
Happy 4th.
4 Day Weekend is 1/2 Over
It's sad really, a week at work doesn't fly by as quick as vacation does.
Friday night Scott and I rode the motorcycle to a town about thirty miles from here to go to a really nice jewelry store and buy Karrie a diamond necklace for her birthday. We met Beka and Aaron at the jewelry store becuause Beka is a pro jewlery shopper, where I am not so qualified in that field. He bought a really pretty diamond necklace in a rain drop setting, its so pretty! We went to Applebee's for dinner, yum! Then we rode home at 10 o'clock at night, on a motorcycle. Burr.
Yesterday we went to Denton all day for the Tractor Show. It was so hot, us girls mostly sat under an bandshell and watched a band preform. We did walk around quite a bit, so at least I got my exercise for the day. At night we went out to Applebee's for dinner and to the 4th of July celebration in the town where my parents live (yes, the one I said I wouldn't go to). We didn't see a single person that I had to talk to, just people we could wave and smile to and keep walking. I was home and in bed by 11, it was a good night.
Today was a sleep in day with some cleaning in the morning, then we all went to Ihop, afterwards us girls went shopping at the mall while the men came home. We all hung around Mom and Dads house until they had to leave at 7. We grilled out, which was delicious.
I just got home and switched the laundry around. I'm thinking I might fold these clothes, then shower and paint my toe nails, then it's bedtime for me.
Mom and I are going to hang out tomorrow. I have to run some errands of my own in the morning, then I'm heading to her house around lunch time and we're going to go run her errands. Dad and Scott have to work tomorrow, so we're going to spend girl time together. I love girl time with my Mommy.
Well-I'm off to be lazy for the rest of the night.
~Ash
