It's a brand new day!

Oh, the stupid things I do

Here it is, uncensored.

Last night I picked Stephanie (Michaels sister) up from work. We were getting out of the car in the driveway and it was about 10 pm. Michael comes pulling in on his bike. He drove right past me, went in the house- asked his mom to move her car so he could get his bike in the garage, and didn't say a word. Mind you, my car was parked behind hers- so my car had to be moved too. I just walked back out there when I realized what he was doing- and moved my car. Now, at this point in time a logically thinking person would leave because her work (i.e. picking Steph up from work) is done. But I didn't....

Steph and I were sitting on the couch in the living room watching TV and talking about men. She's having boy troubles and was asking me what I thought of this and that. Michael walked in and out of the living room 10 times while we were having a conversation. Our conversation turned to one of Duncan's brothers and Stephanie made a comment that Michael would know the answer. I called his name since he was only on the other side of the wall in the kitchen and when he didn't immediately answer me I went back into conversation with Stephanie. An hour went by and he goes walking by the couch in the living room and says 'What did you want?' and I said 'Oh, nothing.' (Steph decided she didn't want me to be nosey and find out for her. Long Story.) Anyway, he was like 'Well, tell me'. I told him (this is where I should have inserted foot in mouth) 'I'll walk back there in a minute and talk to you, leave the door unlocked. K?' He said 'I don't know.' and walked off. I waited a while before I walked back the hall to his bedroom, I almost just left- but I did say I would come talk. I assumed he would have the door locked and I refuse to knock. There is no point in locking the door if your expecting someone to come in anyway. Anyway, against my better judgment- I walked back the hall and open the door. It was unlocked.

*I think to myself that by him leaving the door unlocked, means he wants to talk to me, right?*

I go in and sit down on the bed. He was laying there smoking a cigarette and I was flipping the pages in a magazine. We talked about me wanting to move closer to my parents, work, etc. We talked about his truck, Vette, and his bike. We talked about my brother getting married, people growing up, then we approached the subject of drugs. The conversation went something like this...

Me: So, I hear your hanging out with Greg a lot lately.

Him: Well, Clinton and them are boring and old. They don't like to party or hang out during the week.

Me: I didn't say anything about Clinton. I said, I heard you were hanging out with Greg.

Him: Yeah, you act like that's bad.

Me: Well, Greg quite a pot head.

I will keep it short, that's the summarized version. We talked about this for an hour, and I don't want to go into tons of details- but I believe everything he said. I almost think that some of the stuff Sean told me last weekend was to piss me off. My mom seems to think that Sean fabricates lies to get me mad at Michael. He knows what I think of drugs, and he tried. I have to give him credit, it worked until I asked Michael and he brought up some interesting points. When it comes down to it, he cares and he will still talk to me- he isn't afraid.

Around 11:30 we left his house to go ride by an apartment that was nearby. I'm thinking of calling tonight and finding out what they want for it, I may have a new place to live! :-) Much closer to the family would be good for me, where I live now is like 20 miles from everyone so I do a lot of running. Anyway, rode by 3 or 4 different apartments and ended up back at his house in 45 minutes. I pulled up in the driveway and put my park lights on. I assumed he would just jump out of the car and say bye, but he sat there and we talked for another hour and a half. I didn't get back to bed until 2 this morning. We have plans to go eat at our favorite Mexican restaurant on Thursday, we'll see how this pans out. It's just a friends thing, and that's all.

He can be hard to read, because sometimes he acts flirty and other times he acts friendly and that's all. Sometimes when hes acting flirty he will grab my hand and try to play mercy, or slap me in the leg when we're talking or something like that. I don't recall him doing any of that last night. Then, sometimes when he's flirting he will get all shy acting and be sarcastic with me- that's what he was doing last night.

I said something about being a friend, or something like that last night and he insinuated that he didn't consider me a friend. It sort of hurt my feeling at first, and then realized that maybe he wasn't trying to say I wasn't a friend, maybe he was trying to say I was something more. I let it go, then we we're sitting in the driveway before he got out of the car and I said 'So, if I'm not a friend what am I?' and he said 'I don't know. What do you want to be?'. I politely answered, 'I don't know, but I think I should be your friend.' What was he trying to do?

Us hanging out last night could all be part of the 'lets be friends' thing that we agreed on way back on April 25th (yes I know the exact date), but it seems like its not for some reason. I don't want him back per say. I want to hang out with him, but I'm afraid I still have to many feeling for him that are going to prevent us from being 'friends'. I don't want to mess it up, but I also don't want my feelings hurt. I know him though, and he may not even want to hang out on Thursday night after all.

I've made a vow to myself not to tell anybody about hanging out with him last night, or anything we talked about. I told Pam that he rode with me to look at apartments, but that's it. My mom knows that I was out late with him last night, I believe its the black rings under my eyes that give it away. Shes good though, she won't judge or say a thing.

I'm so glad I have this blog. Sorry its such a long post. In some ways I feel like I've let myself down by taking a 'little bit' of my guard down last night. I'm afraid I put myself out there by deciding to go to dinner with him on Thursday night, and if he calls and cancels- I'm afraid I will be disappointed. I'm going to try my best either way it goes. If we do go out, I want it to be a purely platonic friends thing, and if we don't and he cancels, I don't want to feel let down.

I won't put my self back into a miserable situation. Last night when I went to bed I was so confused I could scream, then I reminded my self that I've come this far, and I won't go back.

Sorry for the long post. I hope it all makes sense. If I recall, SoGone went through something similar to this not to long ago with her ex.

Its sucks girls,
Ash

posted by Ashley at 8:50 AM