It's a brand new day!

A continuation.....

After reading the comment left by SoGone of my post earlier today, I have decided that I need to "go deeper".

So gone had some very good points:

I wouldn't say you are stupid, but I'm not sure it was the smartest thing you could have done. What you really need to be asking yourself is - has anything changed in the past few months? Have the things you complained about, and left the relationship about, changed at all? I mean, you just wrote not too long ago about him doing drugs and all. Is that all glazed over now because you had one fun night together? Just remember that there were plenty of reasons you left the relationship, and if they haven't changed or improved - why would you want to get back into it knowing you are fine without him?Just be careful, hun.

After I read her comment, I sat here thinking about all these questions she brought up. I'm prepared to answer them "out loud".

1) Has anything changed in the past few months?
He's become more "attentive". I have done a wonderful job of acting like this whole "lets be friends" plan was simply OK with me. I think a little bit of his concern is that he never thought I would 'let him get away'. I had a conversation about this with my Mom on the way to work today. (We are close, so we do talk about these things). She said that she thinks he is afraid that I'm veering, that I have in all reality let go of what I had for him, and that I am prepared to move on. Since our break up, I've lost 20 lbs. and I'm focusing on me more- I can assure you, none of that will change anytime soon.

2)Have the things you complained about, and left the relationship about, changed at all?
I don't know the answer to this question yet. Last night he was the guy I started dating way back in 2000. He was the attentive, happy to lay around and watch a movie just because guy- and that's what I love about him. I think it's to early to 'examine' this question yet.

3) I mean, you just wrote not too long ago about him doing drugs and all. Is that all glazed over now because you had one fun night together?
No, my fear of him using drugs has not glazed over. I still believe he is using, but I can't just walk away and let it go. I have to face it if I want this to work. However, I can't push him to do something he doesn't want to do. I've asked him time and time again if he is using. I have no doubt he is lying to me about it, but it's a senseless fight I am tired of fighting. I have lived my whole life watching my uncle be a drug abuser, I know the signs and the consequences, and the damage to personal relationships. I'm fighting a loosing battle if I keep hassling him about it. As long as it's not personally effecting me, I feel like I don't have to worry. Make sense?

4)Just remember that there were plenty of reasons you left the relationship, and if they haven't changed or improved - why would you want to get back into it knowing you are fine without him?
I can't say I honestly 'got out of it'. I ignored it for 4 months, I haven't kissed or hugged him for 4 months, but I never lost that 'ache' in my heart for him. We have 6 years invested, and I know that at some point in time- I may have to 'throw in the towel'- and now might be that time. I'm not in a hurry to get married, to have kids, etc. I have 4 more years until I finish my Masters and I want to do my Ph.D. before I move on to the next phase in my life. Alienating him and being lonely all the time is no way to be, so why not keep him around? Sure, if 'Mr. Wonderful' comes by and literally sweeps me off my feet, I might walk away- but as long as he's willing to work on it and I see he is trying, why not?

Wow, this is the most I've posted in a long time. I guess you could say I am going through mixed emotions right now. I don't know if I still have that 'spark' for him, and the thought of loosing that scares the crap out of me. I have always had the idea that things happen for a reason, and no matter what that reason- I'm along for the ride. I don't want to get emotionally spent on the situation with him, and I don't want to get depressed, so I'm just going to 'chill', wait it out and not pursue anything. I just want to wait and see what happens. You know what I mean?

posted by Ashley at 2:57 PM