It's a brand new day!

Feeling 'Better'

Here's my update.

He called at 10:30. He told me 11:30, but I can't complain- it was an hour early. I had just got home from Wal-Mart and I was hanging a shelf in my bathroom- which might I add is adorable! Anyway, I walked 2 miles yesterday and I had sweated, we rode around with the car windows open so my hair looked like a mop- and he calls an hour early. My plan was to take a shower and wait for him to call AFTER I hung the shelf, but nope. I had to go just as I was when he called. I guess he loves me because he didn't say a word about the fact that I looked atrocious.

He, of course was on his bike. He sat on it for a bit and smoked a cigarette. It was so uncomfortable at first- but it didn't take long to get the conversation flowing. He was sitting in the passengers seat and I looked at him with tears in my eyes (always makes guys weak) and I asked him if something was wrong would he tell me? He looked at me for a minute, and I blurted out "I love you". He sat there for what seemed like an eternity and tears started rolling down his cheeks. He said (this is as close to a direct quote as I can get)- "I love you to. I don't think anything is wrong. Why are you crying?" I think he thought I was going to tell him some secret or something. I said "I can't do this anymore, spending 10 weeks away from you made me realize that I'm not that important in your life- I need somebody who makes me feel important" He told me that he loved me and that he wanted to be happy with me and that he just felt like his life was so crazy right now and he needed to get control of it. He also said that he was glad he had stability in me and that he knew I was his 'crutch'. I told him that I was worried he was using drugs- and he swore to me he wasn't. He told me he would go take a drug test today. That made me think he was serious. I told him I wanted him to be honest with me.

He told me he transferred back to the place 15 minutes from home that he worked at before he transferred to the job he currently works at. He put his notice in Friday and he is counting the days until he is out of there. It's a nice place to work, but I am glad he's coming back closer to home. The long hours are killing him and the wages aren't worth it with the price of gas. He car pools with the pot heads neighbor- another good reason to get outta there. He is also taking classes this summer.

We sat in the parking lot talking from 11 until 1:30 this morning. I told him that I was tired and needed to go to bed. Thank goodness I didn't have to be at work until 1 today. He told me that he didn't want me to go- that he needed to spend time with me. It started raining so he took is motorcycle home and he rode back to my house with me. We laid in bed until 5:30 this morning just talking.

I don't know if letting him come up there to stay was the right decision or not. I have to re-evaluate this and see where I am. I am not sure I even know. I did ask him how he lost all the weight, he is running at the local high schools track at 6 every morning for a mile. I believe him- and thats not always easy to do.

Maybe I jumped to conclusions. I understand that just because he came over last night doesn't mean we are good again. This "relationship" needs a lot of work- and it's possible that it isn't worth trying to hard for.

He did say that when I called him he was relieved. He said that he wanted to see me and talk to me. He even rode by my house on Thursday (my landlord mentioned that someone was parked out from that looked like him). He said that he was afraid to call or come by when he created this space between us and he didn't want to push my buttons anymore. He didn't know if I would slam the door in his face or greet him with a hug. He admitted that he was wrong and promised me that he won't do it again. I told him that my belief is that when 2 people are in a committed relationship they don't disappear for weeks. In all reality, he didn't disappear. We just quit contacting one another, I knew where he was the whole time and he knew where I was.

We will work through this, I have confidence. It's going to be rough.

posted by Ashley at 4:09 PM