It's a brand new day!

I Can't Stop Hurting....

Want to know what the title of my post means? I'm going to do my best to explain it in this post- its bound to be a long one, I have a lot to get out.

First, Monday night I went to Applebee's with the family for dinner and then home to crash fairly early.

I didn't have to work overtime last night, and I had 'ants in my pants' - the thought of staying home and chilling around the house sounded so boring. Beth picked up Michaels younger sister and one of her friends on the way to my house, we all piled in my car and headed to Wal*Mart for some things, then on to Sonic for some dinner. Some of the girls friends met us at Wal*Mart and they joined us for dinner. When we were done eating, we headed back to Oakboro to take the girls back to Michael and Sean's house. Now, before you say- "Why did you go there?" I will tell you that Michael was in school last night. We we're all sitting around the living room; me, Sean, Beth, and the parents. The girls were outside with there friends. Sean's Nextel goes off and it's Michael. He needs to be jumped at the gas station down the road because his battery is dead. We pile in Seans Jeep and head down. We get him started and we're on our way back. We all sat in the living room and just hung out. Beth and I decided to leave at 10 since it was far past my bed time.

On the way home I mentioned to Beth that my tires are due to be rotated and Michael always does it, but that I didn't want to call and ask him a favor. I haven't dialed his number in the 2 months (will be this Sunday) since we've been broken up except for when Duncan was in the car accident. He has called me, but I have not called him. I decided that I didn't have anything to loose and if we're really friends it shouldn't be a big deal. So I call him, he answers and this is the conversation:

Him: 'Hello'

Me: 'Hey, I need to ask you a favor'

Him: 'Whats that?'

Me: 'Can you rotate the tires on my car tomorrow?'

Him: 'Yeah, just drop it off and leave the keys under the mat.'

Me: 'Ok, thanks'

Him: 'Alright'

Me: 'Bye'

It felt a little strange. After I got off the phone I thought about it, and when I leave it at his house I just leave the keys in the ignition, not under the mat. I called him back to ask him if he wanted me to leave it at his house like I usually do, or at his work. He didn't answer. By this time Beth and I were already in my driveway. She headed home and I hopped in the shower. When I got out of the shower, my cell phone rang. I picked it up and told him I would call him back. I have terrible service in the house. I called him back from the house phone and he answered my question and we talked for a while. I said 'Thanks for answering the phone when I call you' and he said 'I was on the phone in the middle of the conversation'.

As soon as that came out of his mouth my stomach got a knot in it. I don't know why and I can't explain it. I still have that knot as I sit here and type this. The thought of him with someone else, or spending his time with someone else makes me sick to my stomach. I guess since we were together for 5+ years I never imagined I would ever have to face this. I know that he knows it hurts me. It hurts to see him living without me, and it hurts to know we're not going to be everything we talked about being. (The cute little house and the kids) I miss it all so much. I know this is just a phase of the healing process, but every stage seems to get harder. I find my self wanting to just cry like a baby, but what would that solve? I just need to keep moving on like I have been doing. I feel like once we hit 6 months of being broken up the biggest hurdle will be over, and from then on out it will be smooth sailing. While we were on the phone we talked about his school, him loosing weight, getting his ears pierced, and now he says he's going to shave his head. Right before we hung up he mentioned wanting to shave his head. I said, I don't know if I could picture you with your head shaved, and his comment was 'Well, everything's changing.' I said 'Well, hopefully for the better. I won't hold you up, I've got to get to bed.'

He's right, everything is changing. I don't know if it's for the better or not, only time will tell. I can honestly say in my heart I don't want him back, I just want to be happy again. I always feel like part of me is missing. I don't have anyone to share my happiness, love and excitement with. I know it's only been about 2 months, but I'm not used to the 'single' life and so far, I don't really like it.

I have to admit that one of the biggest reasons I started this diet was to loose weight. What else would be my motivation? Michael has a lot to do with it. I was between 135 - 140 when we started dating and I'm determined to get back there. He's not necessarily my motivation, but it helps a lot. Hes been dieting, not Weight Watchers, and he has lost 18 lbs.

Well, I don't have anything else good to say. I'm going to get off here and get some work done.

~A

posted by Ashley at 8:39 AM