It's a brand new day!

CAUTION: Deep Thinking Ahead!

Remember in my 'What I Want' post I talked about re-evaluating my choices? Well- I have something to add to that one. I want to include Michael on this 'want'. I want to be sure that when I make a decision for him or dealing with him its what I really want. Does that make sense?

I have to be honest in saying that I know this endless game we're playing with each other eventually will either go one way or the other. Good or Bad. I know that, but for some reason I am still "playing". Honestly, I know that I am setting my self up for disappointment in the end- but I also believe that the way I love him isn't one sided. I blame a lot of the way he is or acts on the fact that he is a man. That might be true, but he's not dumb and he knows what he's doing to us/me when he make the decisions and choices that he does.

On to this weekend and more current events:

I had fun with Beth last night. I ended up not going riding in the mountains in the Jeeps with my brother and our PA friends. My brother his this huge personality flaw we will call ASSHOLE. He acts like we're 12 again when he has friends around and tries to degrade me in everyway possible. The more I am around him when he is acting like this, the more I hate him- and hate is an ugly word. He brings out the worst in me sometimes. Anyway- all of his friends backed out on him last night, but only because he knew since everyone else decided not to go- I wouldn't have anything to do- they should go and leave me hanging high and dry without any plans. Thanks asshole! I didn't act mad or anything. When he announced that they would be going anyway it was simply "to bad" that I couldn't go I said "Well, I've got stuff to do at home." That wasn't the reaction he was hoping for so he egged me on. I just got up and walked out. I called Beth on the way home and cried my eyes out. I didn't want to call Michael and suggest we get together to do something last night because I already told him to go do what he wanted. So, Beth and I went and watched Ice Age 2: The Meltdown. It was so good. We really had a great time. I got home at 11 last night which is early for a Saturday night- but it was nice for a change.

On a side note: I've seen Michael every day by coincidence. Friday night at the gas station and yesterday at his parents business. (Didn't know he was there- none of his vehicles were in the parking lot). Anyway- he hasn't called about Tuesday night. I wonder if he even will. I wish I had some willpower- cause then I wouldn't even care and I could just walk away if he broke another promise. I need to work on that. I guess I will be putting 'willpower' on my list.

I'm off to eat breakfast with Pam and Corey who have been on vacation all week. Then I think I will ride to my parents house and wash my car. I am going to have to come back here sometime today and clean my house- I haven't done a thing in it all weekend!

~A

posted by Ashley at 9:58 AM