It's a brand new day!

If I had the guts...

Before I read the comment from Fantastagirl, I had decided that I was going to post this. You might want to read my post from earlier today before you read this one.

Since my great night with Michael 2 weeks ago, I have gone through a whirlwind of emotions. It might be a bit obvious to you if you normally read my blog. I've tried to steer clear of the topic of Michael unless I feel like writing a page. Things have been fine since that night 2 weeks ago, but they haven't been great and that's how I think they should be.

I've been thinking a lot about this situation and where we currently stand. We talked about a lot of stuff that night, so I also thought a little deeper into some of those topics. I've been thinking, I assure you- I don't want to make any mistakes. I've even stayed away from him so I could have time to 'process' all my feelings without having an opinion in my face, or something happening to sway my opinion.

I have to walk away. I need to quit doing this to myself. I could sit here and blame him for it, but I would only be kidding myself. I'm every bit as responsible as him for what happened 2 weeks ago. Maybe I needed that as closure, I'm not sure if I will ever know.

This is what I want to tell him next time I talk to him, and I want this to be over the phone.....I don't want to have a face to face- they make me weak!

I love you for all you have done for me. These last 5 1/2 years have been incredible. We have had our up and downs, and I can certainly say I have learned a lot about myself. Right now we are at crossroads in our lives, I'm ready to go one direction, and you are headed in another. I wish I knew what you were planning, but since I can't I feel like it's time I move on and let you decide on your own. I won't sit on the sidelines anymore. I believe that when 2 people love each other they do everything they can for one another, they are always there for them, and they make that person their number one priority in life. I'm not your priority anymore, and that hurts me. I have seen you go from a loving boyfriend with all the great qualities any woman would want, to a man that I would have never imagined. Because I hold myself accountable for my actions, I have to stop this game we're playing. It's not doing anything but creating tension and causing a broken heart to constantly be in pain. I'm tired of wondering, wishing, and thinking of all the great times and reminiscing in my mind. I'm ready to move on to the future, and the only way I can do that in a healthy manner that is best for me, is without you. I love you and I am sorry things have to be this way.

This is a 'dream' scenario. Of course, I need to tweak this a little bit and make it more 'understandable' for him and a little more 'refined' for me. I want him to be sure I've thought it through (trust me I have), I also want him to know that this is my final decision. I don't want him to think there still might be a chance, I want him to know there isn't.

On to a happier note, I lost 2 more lbs this week for a total of 22.6!

Another note to a fellow blogger:
SoGone, I want you to know I appreciate your advice. It always opens my eyes to things I may not have thought about. While I will admit that sometimes your opinions/advice seem a little bit 'harsh', they are always correct and for that I have to say 'THANK YOU'. You have helped me a lot, and for someone I've never met- you seem to 'get' me. Thank you again.

Well, I'm headed to bed. I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders and when the above finally happens I imagine I will feel that much better. We're (Me and Rebeka) are headed to TN first thing in the morning. Have a great weekend!

Ash

posted by Ashley at 11:58 PM