It's a brand new day!

Angry

Yes, I'm angry. Obviously, since I have to get up in 6 hours and I'm currently blogging.

I'm putting so much pressure on myself and it's starting to get to me. I'm ready to graduate with my Associates degree and get to work on my Bachelors, but I feel like I'm burning out. Biology sucks. I had a test last night that I bombed. The professor has these outrageous expectations that no amount of studying or butt kissing will help. I went as far as e-mailing the head of the Science department at my school. Yeah, I'm crazy- but I'm seriously at my wits end. We had a quiz the other night on the table of contents! What educational purpose does that serve? And who studies the table of contents? I do now!

Statistics online was a MISTAKE. It's harder then ever. I studied really hard for a test that I took tonight and I felt sure I did really good, but I made a 63. Definitely not passing. Until this past semester, I've never made anything below a B in any of my classes.

If I don't get a C or better, the courses will not transfer to the University next fall. I don't want to be behind. As a part time student, I'm already a year being behind, anymore and I might go crazy!

I'm also angry with myself for letting Michael get to me. We passed him on our way home tonight, but he was driving his Dad's truck and I was driving my Mom's car. I blew the horn, and when he waved I realized it was him. Before I could get a sentence out of my mouth, my Mom was on the phone with him. He was pulling a car trailer so she was inquiring as to his destination. Of course, the phone got handed off to me and at the end of our short little conversation I only felt worse. Men!

I'm just angry! It also sucks because I'm not due to get my period anytime soon, so there is nothing to blame these feelings on. I'm just being moody right now and I wish I could just be happy and get good grades and have an organized life!

I've always heard that 'growing up' is hard, but I don't think that's the hardest part. I think the teen years are the most fun, free years of your life. Once you graduate from high school and hit your 20's the pressure is on like never before. I feel pressure to succeede and get my degree, to marry, to have children, and to make it on my own. Sometimes I feel like breaking down and just crying when all of the pressure is getting to me.

I don't think it helps that I'm a bit obsessive compulsive. I feel like the only time I can get away from my anger is at work. Everything is organized and clean, everyone is so polite and nice, and you have deadlines that you can meet, that are ideal, and you even know what your doing. Granted, I work at a University and I see students failing miserably, but I can't let myself do the same thing.

I feel like I have a good bit of pressure on me to succeed. My dad has a brother and a sister. My Uncle has been married and divorced once, and now he is remarried. He has 2 daughters. One had a child when she was 18, then another one when she was in her 20's and finally married the father of her second child in 2004. My uncles other daughter is starting to act normal, but for the longest time she was a wild child who could never be found, and was constantly in trouble. My aunt has 2 daughters, one is a lesbian who only came out last year. I don't have anything against lesbians, but my very religious grandmother does. My aunts other daughter had a child at 20 last year, still lives at home, and her deadbeat boyfriend moved in too.

As you can see, my brother and I are the only normal ones in the family. My grandparents are very, very religious and don't believe in sex before marriage, smoking, drinking, or homosexuals.

Scott and I both graduated high school without any children, never had a run in with the law, don't live with a boyfriend or a girlfriend, have never had multiple sexual partners, and certainly don't intend to!

I have things to be proud of, especially my independence. I've got to start looking at the big picture and quit complaining. Atleast I'm healthy, alive and I have a family who supports me.

I'm done with my rant, I think I just talked myself into feeling better!

Have a good Wednesday! Wish me luck at class tonight!
Ashley

posted by Ashley at 12:09 AM